Now I Are a Half Wit
contributed by Michael Schmotzer

The Half-Wit, Half Marathon. – Aug. 15, 2004

It was the best of runs; it was the worst of runs. [No doubt, that opening has been used before; but since it is true, why not go around again?]

Most local runners are familiar with the funny names and funnier descriptions that the Pagoda Pacers use for their runs: Names such as the Mt Penn Mudfest, the Ugly Mudder and the infamous Half-Wit Half Marathon. Well, I fell for it and almost fell on it – my keester, that is.

For some reason the Pacers like to make their trail runs difficult – REAL DIFFICULT – so they throw in as many obstacles as possible, you know, fallen trees, big rocks, little rocks, cliffs, mud, the usual trail stuff. This year, they even tried to add a hurricane; but Charlie smelled a rat and headed out to sea, leaving the Sunday morning air humid but cool – perfect for a long run.

Once I found Engleman’s Park, high above the city or Reading, registration was quick and efficient and all the usual up-front stuff for a race is well organized. It all takes place in a charming old pavilion on the edge of the woods. In fact, the finish line is actually inside the pavilion so you can’t miss the post-race snacks. At the posted start time of 9:00, about 400 people were clustered at the start line. Fashionably late, the Race Director made some casual announcements, joked with old friends and new runners and provided information about the course, mostly about how not to get lost. By 9:30 we were on our way: 100 yards of street and then into the woods. The first three miles or so are pleasant in the deep shady woods along soft, if narrow, trails. Then there is a water stop and then there is the first cliff! Straight down.

The club provides water along the way – 5 water stops in all – but you definitely should bring your own Gu or other energy source because you will need a boost; but please put the empty packets in your pockets and don’t deposit them in Penn’s Woods. And speaking of the Woods, they have become overgrown with Japanese stilt grass and other invasive intruders. Pennsylvania forests are a testament to the need for people to recognize the importance of native plants and to cultivate them in their yards.

Returning to the run itself, I will say that, at times, I had the “best of runs.” There are a couple of long gentle down-slopes that are a runner’s paradise. Through shady woods where the soft ground is covered with dry leaves, it is silent except for your own footfalls. The serenity is a dream come true that I will recall fondly. However, at the bottom of every hill there is an “up” and in Reading those “ups” can be nightmares: most notable being the “128 Steps from Hell” as it is STRAIGHT up.

All trail runs have some downs and ups; and I would grade the HAT 50k Trail run in Susquehanna Park, Maryland is challenging; but the Half-Wit is BRUTAL! The first three miles and the last three miles are run-able, but much of what is in between is not. To the dedicated runner I strongly urge you NOT to sign up and risk a DNF. Not because you can’t do it (like my experience in Marine Corps Boot Camp, if you have the right attitude you can do anything), but because you can’t RUN it. That’s right – can’t. To run is to die! On the other hand, if you want to study moss and mushrooms while on the move, come on over! Going up some of the hills you can kiss the cute little mushrooms on their cute little caps ‘cause your nose is right there next to them. This isn’t running – it is scrambling!

When it was all over (my 2:32:40 put me at 196 of 381 finishers) I told Ron Horn, the race director, that ANY runner can do this Half Marathon; but to do it a second time you need to be a Half-Wit.

By the way, next year’s race will be on August 21, 2005; see ya there!!